Monument to Human Stupidity: various objects up various orifices

I am not sure as to why I thought about this.

But I was recently reminded about the Vicar who had to go to the emergency room because he had a potato stuck in his rectum.

The clergyman, in his 50s, told nurses he had been hanging curtains when he fell backwards on to his kitchen table.

He happened to be nude at the time of the mishap, said the vicar, who insisted he had not been playing a sex game.

The vicar had to undergo a delicate operation to extract the vegetable, one of a range of odd items medics in

Sheffield have had to remove from people's backsides or genitals.

Others include a can of deodorant, a cucumber, a Russian doll – and a carnation.

Speaking of the vicar, A & E nurse Trudi Watson, of Sheffield's Northern General Hospital, said: "He explained to me, quite sincerely, he had been hanging curtains naked in the kitchen when he fell backwards on to the kitchen table and on to a potato.

"But it's not for me to question his story. He had to undergo surgery to have it removed."

She advised anyone tempted to use such objects in sex games to think again.

"It can be very dangerous and potentially life-threatening," she said.

Ok.

The article pointed out that this Vicar wasn't alone; here is a list of stuff that has had to be removed from peoples rectums:

The surgical management of two patients presenting with incarcerated, apparently self-inserted foreign bodies is reported. The large volume of prior literature on this subject is reviewed, with tabulation of 182 previous cases by type and number of objects recovered and with a discussion of patients' age distribution, history, complications and prognosis.

Table I Previously reported recovered foreign bodies:

[ed. note: list has been appended to reflect recently found documentation.]

Object                             Number Recovered

Glass or ceramic
  Bottle or jar                       32
  Bottle with attached rope            1
  Glass or cup                        12
  Light bulb                           7
  Tube                                 6
Food
  Apple                                1
  Banana                               2
  Carrot                               4
  Cucumber                             3
  Onion                                2
  Parsnip                              1
  Plantain (with condom)               1
  Potato                               1
  Salami                               1
  Turnip                               1
  Zucchini                             2
Wooden
  Ax handle                            1
  Stick or broom handle               10
  Miscellaneous or unspecified         3
Sexual Device
  Vibrator                            23*
  Dildo                               15
Kitchen device
  Dull knife                           1
  Ice pick                             1
  Knife sharpener                      1
  Mortar pestle                        2
  Spatula (plastic)                    1
  Spoon                                1
  Tin cup                              1
Miscellaneous tools
  Candle                               1
  Curling Iron    1
  Flashlight                           3
  Iron rod                             1
  Pen                                  2
  Rubber tube                          1
  Screwdriver                          1
  Toothbrush                           1
  Wire spring                          1
Inflated device
  Balloon                              1
  Balloon attached to cylinder         1
  Condom                               1
Ball
  Baseball                             2
  Tennis ball                          1
  Pool cue ball                        1
Miscellaneous containers
  Baby powder can                      1
  Candle box                           1
  Shampoo Bottle   1
  Snuff box                            1
Miscellaneous
  Bottle cap **                        1
  Cattle horn                          3
  Chain (gold)    1
  Frozen pig's tail                    1
  "Kangaroo tumor" #                   1
  Hair Mousse Cap   1
  Plastic rod                          1
  Stone                                2
  Toothbrush holder                    1
  Toothbrush package                   1
  Whip handle                          2*
Collections (one case of each)
 2 Glass tubes
 72 1/2 Jeweler's saw
 Oil can with potato stopper
 Piece of wood, peanut
 Umbrella handle and enema tubing
 2 Glasses
 Phosphorus match ends (homicide)
 402 Stones
 Toolbox ##
 2 Bars soap
 Beer glass and preserving pot
 Lemon and cold cream jar
 2 Apples
  Spectacles, suitcase key, tobacco pouch, and magazine
total of 14 collections, with approximately 500 objects

Ok. Note: the link contains some x-rays of the above objects prior to their being removed.

But one of the biggest internet "sensations" is the infamous and completely NOT SAFE FOR WORK "One Man, One Jar" video.

So click at your discretion.

If you are squeamish but want to know, I'll tell you below (spoiler alert)

Basically a camera focuses on the pelvic region of a naked man. He has a glass jar placed underneath him and he squats down on the jar and uses his rectal muscles to raise the jar through his anus into his rectum. Much of the jar indeed makes it up.

But remember that the jar is made of glass.

That's right; the excess pressure breaks the jar when it is almost embedded in his rectum; the result is that you see pieces of broken glass coming out, along with a stream of blood.

Ok, Fess Up time: my history (sorry: nothing sexual here)

1. The first misadventure involves the candy "red hots" and something called a "cracker ball". A "cracker ball" is a type of cap that has a covering to make it look like a small rock; the idea is that if you threw it hard against, say, a sidewalk, it went "boom". Boys like such things.

So, when I was in 7'th grade, I bought a package of these. I also bought a package of candies called "red hots" and I forgot what pocket I put which in.

At a school play I started eating the red-hot candies. Well, I went into the wrong pocket for one of the candies and put a cracker ball in my mouth instead.

Boom!

I went to the dentist office and no harm was done, though I felt like an idiot.

2. As a young man, I frequently wore ear plugs when reading or even when attending loud games. I noticed that one of my pairs of ear plugs were missing the end tips (the part that goes into the ear).

I also noticed that clearing my ears (as one does in an airplane) had become painful.
That lasted for couple of years.

Then I got sick and went to the doctors; they checked my ears and noticed something. They irrigated my ears and, surprise, out came the "missing tips" of the plugs.
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