To Parents of College Bound Students: Don't worry

This is a shout out to all of those parents who are worried that their precious little darlings might not make it in college: don't worry!

What studies are showing is that college grades are going up

More students at the University of Minnesota get A's in classes than get C's, D's or F's combined, according to a Pioneer Press review of grades.

The examination of marks handed out at the state's leading university between fall 2004 and spring 2007 also found that in lower-level courses, more than 70 percent of students get either an A or a B.

Of course, school officials have a reason:

School officials say the top-heavy grading is the result of smarter students.

Really?

Well other studies show that these same students are dumber than ever before:

They don't know the basics of our society

Once again the Intercollegiate Studies Institute has produced a report saying that America’s college students don’t know enough about basic U.S. history and civics, and blaming a group of top colleges for their students’ plight.

For this year’s report, released today, the institute surveyed 14,000 college seniors and freshmen at 50 colleges. Among other findings, the report, “Failing Our Students, Failing America: Holding Colleges Accountable for Teaching America’s History and Institutions,” says the average college senior knows “astoundingly little about America’s history, government, international relations, and market economy.”

The findings largely parallel those in last year’s report, although a slightly different batch of colleges have been singled out for censure.

And the students can't read worth a darn either.

Having trouble understanding the arguments on today's editorial page?

A college student may be able to help. But then again, maybe not.

A new study that measured the skills of students nearing graduation from a four-year university found that more than half lacked the literacy skills to handle complex tasks, such as analyzing arguments in newspaper editorials or understanding credit card offers.

Students at two-year colleges fared even worse, with at least 75 percent lacking the skills to perform complex tasks, according to a study released Thursday by the American Institutes for Research.

"It is kind of disturbing that a lot of folks are graduating with a degree and they're not going to be able to do those things," said Stephane Baldi, the study's director at the American Institutes for Research, a behavioral and social science research organization.

The study was the first to target students nearing the start of their careers. Researchers used the same test as the National Assessment of Adult Literacy, the government's examination of English literacy among adults. Results of that study were released in December, showing about one in 20 adults is not literate in English.

The test was given in 2003 to a representative sample of 1,827 students at public and private colleges.

And while the results show that college students' literacy levels are higher than that of adults across the nation, the study nonetheless serves as "an alarm bell for colleges and policy makers," said Justin Baer, the report'sco-author and AIR senior research analyst.

The study found that 20 percent of students completing four-year degrees and 30 percent earning two-year degrees had only "basic" quantitative literacy skills -- meaning they could calculate the cost differences between items in a grocery store, but could not perform more complex calculations, such as whether they have enough gasoline to make it to the next station or compare credit card offers that arrive in the mail.

So what are we to conclude? How about this: colleges are so desperate to please the students and their parents that they will do just about anything to ensure that your little darling will not only get a degree but graduate with a "good" GPA, no matter how retarded they are.

Of course, there are still some "stick in the mud departments" (e. g., mathematics, physics and other hard science departments) that actually demand that students demonstrate that they've actually mastered something prior to getting credit for a course.

But there are always the soft-subject departments where "anything goes"; those are the ones to steer your little darlings to.

After all, such departments are staffed by those who have written their Ph. D. dissertations on utterly useless subject areas; often their publications consist of stringing some -isms together or talking about how it is "sexist/racist/homophobic" some standard convention of society is. These professors have nowhere else to go if they get fired; hence they will bend over backwards and wipe your little snowflake's bottom if that is what is required.

Here are some of the techniques these "professors" will use to ensure that your little darling graduates:

1. If your snowflake is only mildly retarded, your kid's professor will let them rewrite their assignments over and over again. By the 4'th or 5'th iteration, the professor will actually be reading their own work rather than the rubbish your kid would produce under their own steam, hence your darling gets their "A".

2. If your snowflake is a bit more retarded and isn't even capable of elementary mimicry, your kid's professor will suddenly classify their grammatical mistakes and spelling errors as "artistic innovations" and claim that it would be "elitist" to insist that they turn in something comprehensible. They get their good grade.

3. If your kid is really retarded, your school (if it is one of those private ones) will issue your retard a "retard pass" (aka "learning disability waiver") so as to either waive the basic requirements or to give your little snowflake so much assistance that they really don't have to learn anything to pass their assignments.

Wait, you say: "but my kid would have had a college degree but will have learned nothing!" Well, that may be true, but what the heck. Your little retard is going to end up moving in with you after college anyway! So why sweat it?

See? There is nothing to worry about, is there?